GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
You Might Also Like
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.