Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.