Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Whoa… oh I see lol
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team