Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You Might Also Like
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis