Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You Might Also Like
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Day 2 of my diet
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”