I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
ready to be harvested
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’