“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Kids, do not try this at home!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*