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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works