[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
shut up and take my money
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition