Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.