Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
You Might Also Like
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Green is just blue that someone peed in
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.