Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
what the
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.