@BobLoblaw143637: Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.

@daemonic3: FRIEND: Where were you? ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor FRIEND: Flu? ME: Nah, just drove really fast

@ChaseMit: Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he's going but I assume there's Mountain Dew there.

@SeanINCypress: Gyms are full of people that haven't found the right couch.

@birdcloudusa: Kentucky names the shit out of places