When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m going to need a moment here.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?