Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?