Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit