Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.