Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.