Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.