[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
You Might Also Like
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
groan^2
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.