@McNevich: Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.
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@BurroFuma: I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he's worse than a tweet thief; he's a time-travelling tweet thief!
@juanadog: Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
@Lisa_Laughs_: I wasn't trying to break you up, but she asked me what I did last night, and your name came up. *shrugs
@shopkins776: I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add "This time I'm serious"