Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
This is sending me to another galaxy
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.