Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.