Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

@dyldonot: Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

109

@BuckyIsotope: The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

1

@JackeeHarry: It's going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I've got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

1

@adriennekhals: Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

1

@mollymcnearney: About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets