Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You Might Also Like
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you