@tedtheboi: Bae: Come over Me: Do you have food?? Bae: My parents aren't home Me: Are they coming back with food??

@ElKnuckelhombre: *gets a Fitbit for Christmas* *puts it on a squirrel*

@DrizzyTheType: Don't Drake and drive or you'll end up at your ex's house.

@ChrisThayerSays: I'm still drunk with power after a Jehovah's Witness asked, "'Can I ask you one question?" & I said, "I think you just did," + kept walking.

@panmidwest: ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip] DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species