Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.