confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
You know…for fall…
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*