Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
marvel comics have peaked
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing