@paulrobalino: Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
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@TheMichaelRock: It's sad that we live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
@NewDadNotes: Yoga Instructor: and now we move into downward-facing dog. Me: you forgot updog. Yoga Instructor: what’s u- Wife: -NOOO!!!
@FKACornshucks: Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you. Her: Tell me... Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
@iwearaonesie: me: I bet other husbands don't get put in timeout! wife: I bet they don't put their mother-in-law's phone number on a Craigslist ad either!