guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
A fake ID that makes you younger
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.