@TwiCarlyGleeber: Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. "HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY"
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@iwearaonesie: wife: I want a divorce [uncomfortable silence] everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-
@JustinGuarini: You know you're tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it's easier to get up or just live there now
@Anon_imosity: I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it
@Izianikapani: I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I'm reading her Hugh Jackman's autobiography.