@TwiCarlyGleeber: Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. "HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY"
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@lamefactory: 911, what's your emergency? What do you mean you've been stabbed? People can't do that, that's illegal.
@Carbosly: I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans. I find it lightens the mood.
@rachelle_mandik: HIM: If you're upset that people think you're weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.