@TwiCarlyGleeber: Girl likes 'boys with accents <333' on Facebook. I charge at her. "HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY"
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@Ygrene: Know why I pulled you over? "No sir" 1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
@hardlyrelevant: Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@SlabBaconBP: When you write lyrics as bad as "I got soul but I'm not a soldier" it's important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
@hazelmotes1: Having children really brought me and my wife closer together. We have a common enemy now.