Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
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Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
🤣✨#caturday
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.