Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back