GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.