Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”