Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.