‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg