There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
i really liked this one
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]