[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye