*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Erm I’m gonna say no
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.