[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I hope this email finds you in a well
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
So many village idiots. So few dragons.