[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
May have had one breakfast too many
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?