[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush