This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
A man of commitment.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.