8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Seek kebab; not attention
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
How to woo a woman
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*