I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
You Might Also Like
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok