Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
You Might Also Like
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
WHY would you be happy about this?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Oops
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.