Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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#growingpains
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.