Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
car not found
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Ok who’s got my black socks?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?