Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
You Might Also Like
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Meme Monday.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.