girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.