Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.