Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
He wanted to make sure😂
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.